4 Things Your Favorite Companion Is Thinking (But Not Saying)

Okay, we need to talk.

Not about dinner reservations or which city we're hoping to visit next, because we already know I have opinions about both.

We need to talk about those quiet moments. The ones where you assume I'm simply smiling politely, when in reality there's a whole world behind my eyes. Pragmatism is in my nature, and I have a healthy understanding of boundaries in this realm. I’d never want to impose or overstep. But my mind does wander. Can you blame me?

High-end companions are, by nature, wonderful conversationalists. We're polished. We're charming. We know exactly when to ask about your trip to Kyoto and when to refill your glass. We know how to listen. But here's my little secret: some of the most interesting things I think never make it out of my mouth.

So now, I'm letting you in on four of them.

1. "I actually really like him."

This one surprises people, but it's true: the affection is real.

Yes, I'm professional. But also, yes, I bring my whole self to every encounter. If a sweet guy is kind to the waiters, remembers how I take my coffee, and asks a follow-up question about my garden or my businesses instead of glazing over? I totally notice it.

I don't want my life to become a carousel of faces, handshakes, and small talk. And, to be honest, I don’t know a single person who wants that, either. I’m human. I want actual connection, even if only for an evening. When someone stands out, when he's funny in a way that makes me laugh before I can even think about it, when he treats me like a person rather than a pleasant experience, well that’s when I feel it. And I like that feeling a lot!

Oh, to remember those moments I've thought "I'd have been friends with him in another life," and instead took a sip of my drink and smiled. 

2. "I hope he follows through on that promise."

“I'll book you for that trip to Rome.”

“Let's do dinner again next month, at this great new restaurant.”

“You simply must come to the ballet with me.”

Here's what happens in my head when you say these things: my heart does a small, hopeful little leap, and then my pragmatic side compartmentalizes it as something pending.

I've learned that promises made in the moment can be warm. They can be generous. And they can be utterly doomed. 

Of course, some are real. The real ones are so attractive.

This is such an easy, simple way to reach the top percentile of attractiveness in my eyes. Do what you say you’re going to do.

When a man follows through, when he actually books the trip, actually remembers the restaurant, actually shows up with the gift he mentioned six weeks ago, it tells me something about his character that no charming line ever could. When I smile and say "I'd love that," please know that part of me is whispering a small prayer to whatever deity handles travel itineraries: please let him mean it.

3. "Does he actually like me, or is he just saying that?"

Plot twist: we wonder too.

You'd assume the confidence is bulletproof. And it is, mostly.

But even the most serious, professional companions occasionally lies awake thinking, when he said I was his favorite, did he mean it, or was that the heat of the moment?

Compliments flow freely in our world.

"You're stunning."

"No one compares."

"You're the best part of my month."

They're lovely to hear, but after a while, they feel like nothing. It’s grim to admit, but companions become immune to compliments. I think of the men who send me effusive compliments on the internet, but don’t ever reach out to meet me, and never send thoughtful gifts. The ones who reply to all of my posts, send me DMs, but don’t actually put in the effort to actually connect. When I look back on this time in my life, will I remember them? Will I care?

What cuts through the noise? Specificity. I already know I’ll remember the guy who went out of his way to create special memories because he actually paid attention. When you pay attention to details, when you show me how you feel not just with words, but with actions, that's when I believe you.

4. "I wonder if he knows what he means to me."

This may be the one I would absolutely never say out loud.

Certain men become part of the story of my life without ever quite realizing it. You're the reason I smiled at my phone on a Tuesday, the reason a certain song makes me think of a certain hotel. The reason I picked up a second copy of that book I loved, because I'm hoping you'll read it too. The reason I can start a new business, continue my education, and see the world. I have very sincere gratitude and appreciation for the care you’ve shown me along the way. Seriously, you mean a lot to me.

In this world, I'm careful with my heart. I have to be. But careful isn't the same as closed.

There are people (and that may be you), who have no idea how much warmth they've generated. How that evening with you recalibrated my whole week, or how I hang on to little mental souvenirs of our conversations the way I keep ticket stubs and old coins.

So no, I won't always say it. But it's there.

In the extra minute I linger at the door, in the text I send embarrassingly fast, in the last bite of dessert I saved just for you.

Consider this your invitation to ask, next time, what I'm really thinking.

I might even tell you the truth.